Ahoy there, I return! Over the past few months, I have gained a lot of secrets, enough even to blackmail several rich and powerful people, so I have been busy. But along my journeys, I have also found out one thing that is for certain: MAKEUP IS EVERYTHING. If you don’t know how to properly to contour and highlight your face, then you fail as a basic human being and I tell you, it is follies like that that will cause you the most trouble in our eminent dystopian society. So I decided to help you all survive the future, gain respect among your peers and have great cheekbones at the same time. That’s right: IT’S THE KAT MCLIGHTNING MAKEUP TUTORIAL.
Whoever said that beauty is on the inside was an idiot. I mean, have you ever seen the inside of a person? It’s disgusting. One time I saw a picture for an art show about people who donated their bodies to have their skin taken off and posed as if they were playing tennis or doing taxes or waiting in a line at a bakery or whatever and I was like “No thank you, Hannibal, I plan on having a traditional viking burial when I die so you can keep your greasy fingers away from my skinned body.”
Trust me, everything here is very important. Learn from it and you too can succeed in your life.
First off, we start with the face with no makeup. As you can tell, a face without any makeup is the most foul thing that will ever exist on this planet, and it is every person’s basic human right to change it as much as possible, until you are accepted by society.
Look at that face, where are the cheekbones? How will you every know where they are without them being physically highlighted for the world to see?
You have to cover all visible facial skin with a layer of foundation. No original skin should be seen after the foundation is put on. Personally, I like to use cheap, out of date foundation as that gives me the slightly off colour that I am really going for. You know how they say that a house needs a solid foundation? Same goes with your face. That foundation should be solid and strong with enough of it to be able to hold a small building.
You then have to highlight that face. People are unable to see your face clearly unless you do so. Also this will help you earn respect, as you can draw arrows to your eyes with that highlight. My eyes are up here, you fool. Look, they are clearly marked out. For highlighter, you should use a mixture of PVA glue and glitter*, or something that looks like a fairy vomited. Put that on your cheekbones and on the bridge of your nose, you have to make it look like an airport landing strip at night.
Now get some bronzer up in here. If you don’t properly contour your face, people will think you are a line pencil drawing and will be confused at why a line pencil drawing is talking to them. Don’t confuse people. Contour. For inspiration, look at topographic maps. Pick the map of the mountain range that you’d like to reflect your look. For this one, I’m inspired by the Appalachians. Also contour your nose. Make sure it is directing the eye to your lips, even though your cheeks are directing the eye to your eyes. You face is confusing and mysterious, that’s why it’s beautiful.
Now, eyebrows. Your eyebrows are the most crucial part of your entire face, after the eyes, nose, mouth, ears and cheeks. It’s a fact that a person will judge you within 10 seconds based on your eyebrows**. The thicker they are, the most respect you will receive. Around 8% of realty space on your face should be given to the eyebrows.
The eyes are the window to the soul, but no one should see your soul as it is too brilliant and horrifying for mortals. You need to decorate your eyes, to create a distraction so that people can not fully see into the terror of your soul. Eyeliner is a really fun way to do this, and will also help with your fun and flirty look. I choose liquid eyeliner as it gives a nice effect, while reminding me of the blood of my enemies that I smeared on my face, one terrible afternoon.
Mascara is also a must.
Now you’ve got to blend it all in, using a big ole brush. If you don’t blend it fully, then you’ll just look silly, and this is a makeup look that should make you respected and feared. Just rub is all over the place, no one really cares at this point. And yes, you could say “Hey, Kat, why don’t you blend it with a blender? Hahahahaaaaa.” Well, you little jokester, if you keep on with that attitude, I’ll blend your face with a blender.
Add some lipstick too, as your natural lips are not the same shade of your aforementioned enemies blood and that is a crucial part of the look. Your lips should be bright and dark at the same time, and should be spotted at a distance. Red makes people angry, and this will help you look tough. Also make sure your cupid’s bow is well defined, because it is a fact that an undefined cupid’s bow is the leading cause of high cholesterol**.
AND NOW YOUR LOOK IS FINISHED. Make your hair better than it already is (which is hard for me, cause my hair is amazing) and you are ready for the outside world to look upon your beautiful face and tremble with fear and wonder. Add some fun accessories too, like pretty earrings or a cute pair of brass knuckles. Also it is a must that you always have good light on your face, so bring along a torch and small child to hold the torch at the good angles to enhance your natural beauty. And be confident! It’s all about the confidence, ladies!
NOW YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Get the child who is holding your light to also be holding an iPod with speakers, so that Beyoncé’s Flawless will be playing at all times. It is only through these makeup tips that people will take you seriously and you will succeed in life and find happiness and love. Don’t forget that you are naturally beautiful, but this natural beauty can only be achieved through copious amounts of makeup.
Have fun with these top makeup steps, and enjoy your better and more improved life!
*please don’t actually put PVA glue and glitter on your face, that’s silly.
**May not be a fact.